Raphael Josiah Ezekiel was born this am @ 9:34. Birth weight 8 lbs 4 ounces...still in NICU due to low blood sugar...is on intravenous now...prayer is appreciated. Kelly is well but the C-section didn't go smoothly...details later.

9 days until my world changes again, and although I am hesitant to change, this change is going to be the most absolutely beautiful thing ever in my life...

I remember back to January 24th, my spiritual Birthday and the day my friend Florida told me she was pregnant and it was a 'surprise' for her, and I remember how mad I was, not at her but at the whole situation because although happy for her, Jayson and I had been trying and trying to conceive again for months...

I had forgotten that I was 'due' that day...my frustration clouded my memory, and then it happened I remembered because I was late and I am never late only early, so I struggled with myself and forced myself to go in to the Doctor's office and I brought Elijah with me to get tested, I figured he would make a good distraction from the fear of am I or aren't I?

And then the nurse turned and looked at me and said, 'it's positive', and I was beaming, and then I remembered my actions from the previous days and shook my head and scolded myself for acting so childish with the 'it's not fair' attitude!

See with Elijah I conceived on the first try, with Raphael I think God was trying to teach me a little about patience and not everything comes with instant gratification!

So here I am, I feel like a mountain LOL, but it is unbelievable about how the time has indeed passed, true I am not looking forward to my c-section operation and all the disgusting things prior and afterwards, but the destination is exciting, meeting my second Son and seeing what God has created for me this time around, that truly is worth all the mess and pain, and feeling like a mountain etc.

The one thing I am struggling with I need to share and ask advice from all mothers of more than one child...

Here goes:

I told Jayson and his Grandmother (she will be watching Elijah during the surgery) that do not be surprised if I am in tears when I part from Elijah, and of course they did not quite get it, but this is why:

It has been him and I the last three years, he amongst a few other things has been my world, he showed me things that I never thought existed, he taught me alot about myself, and he was there during my transformation period when all that bad stuff happened since 2005, and although I love Raphael so soooo much already, it will never be the same after I part from Elijah that day, it will no longer be him, Jayson, and myself, and I will have two children now and dividing my love in a sense will be awesome yet a learning experience too...Someone told me the next time I see Elijah he will look ten feet tall and so different to me, and I feel that that is so true....But I am excited also that he gets to be a big brother!!!! I was never an older sibling I was always the youngest....And I know he will be an excellent big brother!

But I am sure mothers out there of more than one can relate to the above ramblings???

Tuesday is my last appointment before the big day, I have only gained 10lbs, the baby was in breech also so it is good we are going along with the c-section as planned, and other than that everything and everyone is healthy!!!

I have a few things left around here to do and some much needed shopping before the big day but I have time and with Jayson's team effort we will get it done!!!

I will probably post Sunday the 16th in the Morning and then no one will hear from me until I am out and back home, Jayson might post something but I am not sure if he will have time given the circumstances etc and that he is manning the older child on his own while I am in the hospital...

I will post this week probably after the appointment to update on progress of the baby!

Be Blessed!

Big Brother in the Making!

 

I am a bit discouraged because there is a lack of comments on my site and it seems perhaps all are annoyed with me? And that perhaps I am truly alone on here?

I don't know...???

At this moment I am feeling all things, happy - Raphael is kicking me alot at the present moment, tired - I have been redoing our bedroom and it involved alot of lifting etc took two days and I am beat and sore, frustration - it seems that a close person to me seems to think I am a negative person which I disagree with but this situation is more complex than it seems.

I am doing okay I suppose, I hate the heat LOL, but that is no news to anyone LOL...

I am hoping to have a visit to the Salon to get my hair cut but who knows when I will be al to get there LOL???

I find out on August 7th when in September I go in for my planned c-section!!!  I am excited, and nervous too, because I know me I will be super nesting and preparing for Jayson in terms of food in the freezer etc for the four days I will be in the hospital LOL...

I am feeling a bit discouraged because lately it seems when I am myself, being myself is not good enough or worthy of anyone, and I would be lying to you all if I said I was not feeling alone, cause it seems feeling alone and me have become best friends...

My bet gal pal JO JO comes home July 30th, she has been gone a year, I have missed her, but I don't think she will like to hear about my past year, although some times of great joy, this past year for me has been about growing and becoming a stronger woman, I am sure her year has been full of amazing experiences and I will enjoy hearing about them...Her sister another one of my gal pals is coming home July 28th, and I have not seen her in a year also, she was in University in Kitchener and now is currently on an archeological dig in Peru!!!  It will be nice to have them back, and have that old feeling of my gal pals and I back in sync!!!

This is so pathetic, here I am pouring out my heart to Xanga and losing myself in music, and I am just talking to white space it feels like, is it pointless?  is it pathetic? why do I continue? 

Cause I have no where else for this release, and this has always been my way of coping with my crowded head and my intense feelings that I do not want to burden others in my reality with LOL...

Well to anyone out there I hope you are well, and life is being awesome!!!

Blessings.

 

 

You ever avoid looking at yourself in the mirror?

Not because you can't face yourself over something, but because you are just tired and fed up with everything and it seems pointless to even bother looking at yourself?

I feel that way everyday almost...

Especially when I am faced with another one of life's crappiest moments, excuse the term...

What I tend to be fed up with is all the people who tell me that I am the following:

- kind, big hearted, strong, a wonderful wife and dedicated mother, a good and honest friend, an awesome person with a gentle soul, a giver not a taker, or my favorite self-sacrificial.

Yes I strive to be those things but when others tell me these things it is almost like they are being fake and feeling sorry for me and wanting to cheer me up, what I want is someone to be upfront and honest and tell me like it is, nothing more or less that is how I operate and I wouldn't want to be treated any different...

Or what gets me is the people who say these things have no idea what a day in the life of me is like and if they knew the truth, if they saw the stern side of me they would say different, and know different...

Truth is I can be quite bitchy, and needy, and selfish, and not very nice at all to Jayson and to Elijah...

So let's be real and tear down this painting people have felt the need to paint and let's trash it ok, and yes I admit I am my biggest critic and enemy!

Most days lately I am so mad at myself I take it out on Elijah and Jayson, and that only makes me more mad at myself, it is not like I am mad at them, I am mad at the situation, it sucks ok, it sucks to watch your best friend, your husband fall apart healthwise, it makes me angry because he is such a good man, and that is 100% the truth, Jayson even in the hardest situations finds the good and hangs onto it and still gives to others, and here I am, I get angry and inside of myself I am smashing a dozen glass windows and screaming because I never expected my life to turn out like this, and what I mean "like this" is watching my husband deteriorate and not being able to do a damn thing except pray, a I know prayer works I do I have seen it, it is just the storm is at it's worst right now and it is hard to see the end...And let's face it after one storm another is always sure to follow in our case and it sucks...

It also sucks that I can be very selfish, I mean there are days Elijah gets up at 5am and I want to scream, I just want to be able to sleep a little longer for once, yes I know you have children and you make sacrifices I understand that, and I do everything for my son but sometimes I get so tired and just want to lay in bed...And I know I am having another child and  know and am ready for the getting up at night for feedings etc I am ready, it is just sometimes I wonder if I will ever sleep again LOL...

But then there is my marriage which in the bigger picture it is like this:  I love Jayson with all my heart and every fibre of my being, and we are happy, and blessed, and I wouldn't ever think of regretting it at all never, it was one of the best things I ever did in my life, and he is my best friend also which was a bonus, my life is complete now that he is in it, God is in it, and we are having our children in it too....

However, I feel so helpless when I see he can not move out of the chair, or he is too much pain to get down on the floor to play with his son, and I see it breaks his heart, and I know he beats himself inside about it, and I can tell him over and over that Elijah knows his Daddy loves him so much, and that Jayson is there when it matters and that is all that counts, and then my anger towards not Jayson but what is happening comes into play at times, 'cause I get so mad that he can not sometimes play with Elijah and Elijah begs and cries 'cause he does not understand he is only 2 years old, and I get angry that Jayson feels so much pain emotionally 'cause he thinks he lacks as a Father, with all this I take it out on Jayson, I yell and tell him he needs to take time to be with his son, and I know in the back of my head I am not really intending to yell at Jayson I am yelling at what is happening to him, but in those moments Jayson only sees it as I am not understanding anything and it is frustrating...Because I know if he could he would be there with Elijah I do 100% I know that, but he has limitations holding him back, and I know that angers him as well...Then I sometimes get mad at Elijah because Jayson is tired and I need Elijah just to cool it and leave Daddy alone for a while and he doesn't and he keeps on and on and I just get upset and Elijah cries and then I sit there and want to just cry and cry myself because at that moment I am helpless and even more angrier at myself, it is a cycle, and no it does not occur everyday Thank God, but we have days and it is God that gets us through them, and our Love...

That is the one thing other than God that we are blessed to have, is that Love that is 110% unconditional and even at our wits end Jayson and I at the end of the day look at eachother and we are there for eachother no matter what, no matter what words were exchanged, we have that tie that binds and it is a Love that is unlike any other and I am thankful to God that he blessed us with that...

'Cause without God and that Love we would crumble, and that is the truth and the reality...

Now I know there will be people out there that are going to be like, well you knew what you were getting yourself into when you married him, and you knew having children would mean sacrificing yadda yadda yadda, or the people who will be like, oh you should go to counseling...

If you find yourself saying these things to me, you really don't get it and don't know me at all...

The intent of this whole speel is yes to be honest and out there about myself, but the few things I want to make clear, is I would not ever go back and not marry Jayson, and I have no regrets about having children...

Life gives out obstacles, and we learn from them, I am just explaining that while in the process of the obstacles, while the storm is raging on and on and my body feels weathered, I am human, and I do feel and my flesh can panic and my flesh can get angry, and my flesh can get scared and selfish, and I just want it to end so the pain will end, but I am trying to also show that even though my flesh is crying out for the instant gratification, my soul is holding strong onto the Father in Heaven and it is patient and his enduring promise that he will never leave me nor forsake me, and this is not all done in vain and he will reveal the purpose and the lesson, and he will deliver us out of this storm, he will carry us when we can no longer walk, and he will refine us with his fire to make us anew...

I am showing that even if you are hanging onto a single thread God will make that thread so very strong and resistant to all things that that thread will hold firm until the Father refines you and makes you complete again...

I do not know if I have made sense to anyone, I don't even know if you are all out there anymore, I don't receive any comments anymore, but I am bound to touch someone out there, someone will read this and know and understand I have that much faith that it will shine on someone and they will know they too are not alone, and the storm shall pass it never stays constant...

Blessings.

I Love my Family so much, not because life says I have to either, because I do and God has blessed me to know such a strong man as Jayson is, he reminds me everyday by his actions that although adversity comes our way, life goes on, and as long as we can touch others with the light of God either by our examples or even our obstacles, at the end of the day it is a good day and we have done the work of the Lord...And Elijah shows me to remember the little things in life, and they are just as important in teaching us everyday things as the big things are...And well little Raphael growing within me is an intense gift from the Father, to have him knitting a child within my body is overwhelming and awesome in every way, to be the carrier of one of God's Creations is such an honour, that he trusts me with such precious cargo is awesome and amazing...

 

 

 

How am I today?

I am sort of just ho hummm...

The Respite Worker did alot for us and stayed later, which was awesome, so I am over that LOL...

Pulled a muscle in my inner left thigh lifting something and my carpal tunnel was killing me last night as I lay there trying to get to sleep...

It was a nice day, my friend took me out for Lunch which was so awesome, it was an all you can eat buffet LOL, so my pregnant self enjoyed it...

Suppose to rain today, ya right like we would be so lucky LOL, atleast it was cooler yesterday and today, made it easier to do errands and to fall asleep...

Man I need a haircut...LOL...I mean I know I shaved my head in November, but my hair is really long again for my liking, oh well, I will get to it, perhaps when the GST comes in I'll go, which also reminds me I need to try on my bathing suit before our beach outings at the end of July LOL...That will be both scary and depressing...I may need to either buy a new one or a cover of some sort for my pregnant butt!!! LOL!!!

I hope today is just a normal day, meaning lay around do nothing day for the most part LOL...

My living room already looks like a disaster but oh well, I am use to it now...

I got lots of yummy fruit at the store yesterday mmmmmm furfilling cravings yummy!!!

I am struggling with whether or not to write a sort of will type thing before I go in to have Raphael?  I know I probably will be fine, but things like that make me nervous and well I am the type of person who likes ends tied prior to major things like that...I dunno...Maybe I will beforehand, just a letter stating my wishes who knows?

Ha ha that is a part of my intense emotional state I have been referring to!

I am getting so big!  It is disgusting in a way cause I practically roll out of bed now LOL, yes yes go ahead and picture it and laugh at my expense it is ok...hey I would LOL!

Jayson's Aunt comes to visit next friday Yay!  Haven't seen her personally myself in about a year, she is all we have for family really, and her two brats LOL, no no Sierra and Clay we love you!

It will be nice to see her...

She will get to see how big Elijah is and how much he has grown mentally LOL!!!

Poor Clayton has not seen him since Jayson's Mother's Memorial Service and that was a year and a half ago!!!

I am so tired today...Nap will be occurring when Elijah naps today!!!  Most definitely LOL...

I am having some real bad back pain lately too, which I never really had with Elijah...

Well, every pregnancy is different right!

Well, I am off to go sit with the kid for a bit, probably fall asleep LOL,and wake up every time he moves LOL!!!

Blessings.